We lost Daddy four years ago today. This is not at all what he looked like the last year he was here with us, but it is how I always want to remember him--happy and funny.
Relationships with a parent that we do not and cannot ever understand can be difficult at best. Daddy was that and more. Even as a very small child, I always wanted to please him, and never felt able to do so. I needn't go into details...if you have a difficult relationship with one of your parents, you totally get it. If you do not, there is no reason to explain how hard my childhood was for me.
Ironically, as fate would have it, when Mama and Daddy retired, they moved to the same town I live in and, as they aged, I became more and more in charge of their care. There was even a period of time during his last year with us that Daddy did not know anyone except me!
Growing up with him was misery.
Coming home to visit always had its miserable moments.
Watching him make Mama miserable for years made me miserable.
Watching him make terrible choices about his health as he aged made me miserable.
Watching him his final year slowly lose his mind made me miserable.
And the day he passed away, a little part of me died forever.
He was my Daddy, and I have no doubt he loved me. I know I loved him.
A few weeks ago, I was standing by my desk, not doing anything memorable, when a wave of sadness washed over me and I was suddenly missing him so very much. It just sneaks up on you. Whoosh...no matter how miserable I was around him, at times I miss him so!
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